Are you fucking kidding me?

School of Thrones would be a great parody if it was…you know… funny. Unfortunately, what it actually is is the equivalent of Renly and Loras’ sex scene in the HBO show: something that was meant to be hot, but is just plain lame. Doing a complete analysis would frankly give this crap more attention than it deserves, so we shall content ourselves with a few general observations upon which the reader may seek enlightenment, should s/he so desire, by enduring the Ordeal of hitting play.

The yawnable universe of Westeros High takes a hideous glee in its own triviality, the misery of it all slightly assuaged by the obvious fact that it’s not aiming for anything more. The idea is to bring the conflicts of Westeros into a ‘normal’ high school whose students routinely experience chills down their spines at the assertion that ‘Prom Night Is Coming.’ Sigh. Most of it boils down to a lot of pointless 10 Things I Hate About You-inspired bantering by hipster Sansa Stark about the different cliques that comprise the school, who can hang out with who and talk to who (blah blah blah), far too much eye-to-eye glaring and growling that tries and fails to compensate for the lack of links from one pile of dragon poo poo to the next, and…um…blimey, have I forgotten already? Ooh yes – the producers obviously have knowledge of Game of Thrones, which accounts for many of the more dreadful jokes (‘Our way is the vintage way.’? SERIOUSLY?). The only point at which I found myself smiling was the rolling of the delightful opening credits, and Stannis and Melisandre’s campaigning for R’hllor parodying the zeal of Evangelical Christians.

This…thing…constitutes nothing if not further proof that there is nothing that the lower sewers of American pop culture cannot fuck up. You may say I’m a snoring old purist with no sense of humour. So fucking shoot me.

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